The Secret Life of Alexandria

August 24, 2024 - 4 minutes read - 754 words

Everything you are about to read is completely true.

Alexandria was born in North Dakota, a place best known for its flatness, its blandness, and its harsh winters.

Alexandria has lived from Alaska to Florida and everywhere in between, except for the west coast. She has been everywhere, except for California.

Alexandria’s mother made her pray to God and Mary every night, all together with her siblings. One prayer always scared her a bit: “If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take”. This particular prayer introduced the concept of her own eventual (and potentially imminent) death at the ripe age of 4.

Alexandira has always been afraid of being abandoned or forgotten. Her father often left home to fight the bad guys. When her mother was angry with Alexandria, she would walk just fast enough that a little Alexandria could barely keep up with her long legs, even when Alexandria’s short legs were moving as quickly as she could force them.

In middle school, Alexandria began a trend that popularized yo-yos. This led to the school installing security cameras to prevent lockers from being broken into to steal yo-yos. Yo-yos were banned from school premises by the end of Alexandria’s 7th grade year.

In 9th grade, the yearbook club neglected to put Alexandria’s photo in the yearbook. Alex’s mother took it upon herself to print little stickers of Alex’s portrait so that they could be stuck in all of the books of Alex’s friends. Alexandria was so happy about this she cried.

Alexandria was the president of two clubs in her second high-school: The Art Gallery club and the Tabletop Gaming club, which she founded. She had a soft spot for the marginalized students, those without a social home. She identified with them. She made a home for herself and those like her within a school whose main agenda involved increasing the football fund.

Her tabletop gaming club was eventually banned from the school because of alleged gambling.

Alexandria made a little extra money in high school by reading tea leaves for her fellow students. A staunch skeptic and lover of science, she felt that she was scamming people out of their money, and took a bit of pleasure and excitement out of it. Alexandria took pride in a good show.

Alexandria’s depression and suicidal ideation somehow became her social superpower. The idea that she was worthless turned into the idea that she “had nothing to lose”, not life, not dignity. This appeared to others as “confidence, or “being comfortable with being wrong”, “unafraid to ask questions”.

Because her dignity and her worthless life were not much to stake, she appeared on stage as a novice ukulele player at her high school’s music festival.

She was a big hit.

Alexandria hasn’t suffered from suicidal ideation or depression since her recovery in 12th grade. The closest she ever got was during the Canadian pandemic lockdowns in 2021, but even then she knew the darkest depths were behind her.

Alexandria still loves to play the ukulele.

Alexandria is a mediocre ukulele player. The ukulele is like a security blanket for her. Before she developed adequate social skills, the ukulele was her tool to prop open the door to new friendships. The ukulele is a conversation piece. A means of making money. A means of bartering songs for essentials, like books and bananas.

Alexandria occasionally suffers from a Savior Complex that leads her to befriend someone susceptible to using her generosity. Alexandria enjoys feeling like she saves others.

Alexandria has been told many times throughout her life this particular phrase: “you saved my life”. She has to believe that they were telling the truth.

She has also been told “you are a good person”. Sometimes by close friends, other times by complete strangers, one of whom grabbed her by the shoulders and held eye contact for 5 straight seconds after she took a long, complicated, meandering order for the stranger’s mother’s salad.

Alexandria has had sex on an NYC skyscraper rooftop.

Alexandria has slept peacefully on a bed of moss.

A man sitting on the plane next to Alexandria once gave her $300 USD. “It was meant for a rental, but the company ended up paying for it,” he said empathetically. He had seen her writing out her travel budget in her sketchbook.

Alexandria spent her time in Taiwan hitchhiking, trespassing, and mopping up excessive rainwater in the indoor/outdoor dining area of a remote jungle resort.